Where's My Rainbow

It’s hard to believe that I ever lived in hopelessness. I have such a free spirit that’s often bright and energetic. My natural energy is pure joy. I can’t imagine being any other way. But I once wallowed in darkness. A life filled with hopelessness. In the pit of my grief I often wondered if I would ever receive my rainbow.

In the pregnancy and infant loss community, we refer to “rainbow baby” as a baby born after experiencing a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. Rainbows bring hope. This beautiful, bright, ribbon in the sky signifies life after a storm. My storm was over. So, when exactly would my rainbow appear?! 

My husband and I went 6 years wondering if we would ever conceive again. I didn’t have any confirmed fertility issues, so what’s the hold up?! We were stable and secure, why the wait?! I tried various conception tactics and still nothing, what’s the problem?! So I gave up hope and accepted that I may never give birth again. My rainbow was clouded by hopelessness during the storm.

Part of my healing from loss, is accepting that my life did not go as I had planned. In that acceptance I learned to let go. In letting go, I made room for healing. And in my healing, I found hope. Not hope that I would conceive again. But hope that I would thrive again. I wanted to live.

Last week I spoke in front of a group of women and told of my story from hopelessness to healing. Healing is a journey. It's a conscious decision to live. Every day I decide to live. I want to thrive... and live. Besides, I received my rainbow. I must live!