Yesterday was my angel Colby’s 10th birthday, no cake though. No birthday cake. Although he’s not here to blow out the candles, I thought about getting a small cake to celebrate his birthday. Not exactly my idea of a birthday party, but I love cake and my baby so whatever. There was no birthday cake though.
Honestly, yesterday was somewhat of a disaster for me. I may have subconsciously planned a day of busyness to avoid dealing with the memory in my reality, but nothing went right. So the memory became my reality.
I decided to take my 3 year old on a play date. A day of fun. But, it was storming in Atlanta yesterday afternoon and the rain greeted us at every turn. It was a disaster! As I avoided having a mommy meltdown, my son giggled. We ran in the rain and he giggled. He was loving this play date. While buckling him into his car seat he yelled, “Mommy hurry! Get out the rain!!” So I ran and jumped in the driver’s seat… he responded with a heart full of excitement, “YAY! Mommy you did it!!”
I did it!
In that moment, I exhaled – Yes, I DID IT.
But what exactly did I do to warrant this celebration?
I’ve often thought of motherhood as my adversary. It was once my pain point. A place of conflict. It’s held horrible memories with severe scarring. On top of the obvious pain, my journey of healing after infant loss includes a myriad of health issues. Issues introduced at the onset of my becoming a mother.
My body has been in crisis mode since the emergency birth of my first son. An ongoing crisis. I lost all of my hair and I have excessive scarring of my uterus that leaves me in great pain on many days. My heart, my blood… they sometimes turn on me. My body is in a constant fight, against itself. A crisis. I often look in the mirror and wonder how I do it. But I smile back at the mirror, and somehow I do it.
I attribute my faith and my family as the core of my strength. I do it.
So yeah, there was no cake on yesterday. No birthday cake. It's my MOMiversary!
I sat on the sofa at the end of my day gone wrong. My 3 year old rainbow cuddled up next to me and I fell asleep. I had one of my best days of sleep. Suddenly my day was all right!
Yes, I did it!
I did it because I’m a mother. I do it because I’m a mother. Mommy magic is a real thing and I have it. God has given me an undeniable strength. I did it! 10 years ago I became a mother. It is my reason to celebrate.
No birthday cake. Happy MOMiversary to ME!